


November 3, 1981

by Marauder_Emaelyn



Series: The End of The War [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, End of War, First War with Voldemort, Grieving, Lots Of Sad, Marauders, Post War, Remus has anxiety, Remus is alone, Remus' POV, This isn't a happy fic, idk what i'm doing with tags, if you want a happy fic, just sadness in general, look eslewhere, sad fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:49:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24956359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marauder_Emaelyn/pseuds/Marauder_Emaelyn
Summary: When Remus is called back at the end of the war, he's relieved it's over.That happy feeling doesn't last long.
Series: The End of The War [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1957603
Comments: 6
Kudos: 9





	November 3, 1981

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Remus has anxiety in this fic. I don't go into a whole lot of detail with it or anything, but I figured people should be aware that we are dealing with anxiety.  
> Also, like the tags say, it's not a happy fic. At all.  
> Anyway, enjoy!

Remus was tired. Beyond tired. He could not remember the last time he truly slept without nightmares interrupting. He had not been home in almost a week. Had not talked to his friends in at least that long. Not that he was supposed to talk to them when he was away on Dumbledore's secret missions anyway, but some rules had always been worth breaking, especially for the Marauders. But Remus had not heard anything. He tried not to think about it, but he could not help but wonder why his friends had not sent anything. Did something happen to them? Had they decided to give up with Remus, that he was not worth the effort?

It would be his own fault, really, if they had decided not to bother anymore. It was Remus who was always leaving on secret missions that he did not tell them about. And it was Remus who never slept even when he was home; he would stay up until morning working on various projects, or sometimes just sit there with a cup of tea and do nothing at all. Remus was the one who had pulled away recently. He had not withdrawn this much since fifth year, right after the Prank. He was not even sure whether it was really because of Dumbledore's orders that he refrained from telling the others what he was doing; he was not sure he could bear to tell them at this point. Where he went. What he did.

The war was hard for Remus. He knew it was hard for everyone, and reminded himself of that constantly, but the secrets weighed on him. Staying vigilant drained him. Trying to shut off the pessimistic side of his brain telling him to give up drained him. His strained relationships especially drained him. Still, he tried to reason that it would be worth it. If the war was won, if James and Lily and Harry were safe, If the Marauders were safe, then it would be worth it to Remus.

They just had to win.

Remus was just sitting down at the desk in his shabby inn room to write some notes when Moody's patronus came.

_War's over, kid. Get back here for a debriefing with Dumbledore._

Remus left that very night. He did not bother talking with any of the people he was in contact with. He barely bothered to pack his bags. He had debated apparating straight to Hogsmeade, but thought better of it. There was really only one place he wanted to go.

He apparated home.

Home was the Marauder's flat, just outside of Muggle London. Originally, the four boys had moved in together as soon as they graduated. James had moved out just a few months later, after he had married Lily. Peter moved out soon after that so he could take care of his sick mother. Still, all four of them had hung out there all the time. And once they were busier they had dinner once a week at the flat. Even after their schedules stopped lining up as the war got worse, James was constantly coming over to check on Remus and Sirius. The Marauder's flat was a safe haven for Remus. Even when tensions were high, even when Remus could feel his secrets weighing down on him, even when Sirius would stare and Remus could not figure out what it meant, he always felt safe at the flat. It was the best home any of them had ever known, in no small part because it was their own; because they were together.

The second Remus stepped through the door, his stomach dropped. There was a fine coat of dust over everything. The air smelled musty. There was not a single sound. The flat was deserted.

"Sirius?" Remus called out uselessly as he set his bag on the ground. He could not hear Sirius. Or smell him. It was obvious Sirius was not here, and had not been for several days. A million possibilities whirled through Remus' mind. Where could he be? Why would he not have been home for so long? Remus nearly decided to owl James to ask before he remembered; the Potters would be under the Fidelius by now. And without Sirius around, Remus would have no way of getting in contact with them.

Remus forced aside the swirl of panic in his head, making a plan. He would make a cup of tea, then get some rest. Tomorrow, he would go speak with Dumbledore. Perhaps he might know where Sirius was. Remus could ask while he was there. He could not afford to let the panic get to him. He would deal with the panic when he had time.

As he lay in his bed, Remus thought the flat felt much less homely on his own.

Nightmares plagued Remus' dreams, as they always did recently. Monstrous beings that only existed in his mind prowled far too familiar hallways. Gruesome scenes of his family dead or dying played on repeat. Cells he rather wished he could forget held new captives, tortured to the brink of death over secrets they would never spill. An active imagination was Remus' curse, when the war crept into his psyche and coloured his nightmares.

It was before dawn when remus awoke and began a new checklist, giving up on sleep.

  1. Tea
  2. Apparate to Hogsmeade
  3. Walk to Hogwarts
  4. Speak with Dumbledore



He would have time to worry about other things later.

It was while he was walking up the path to the school that Remus remembered the date. He stopped suddenly as the realization hit him; it was November 3. Sirius' birthday. Remus couldn't help but think that perhaps they could all use a bit of a celebration today.

The hopeful feeling Remus had disappeared as he entered Hogwarts. Standing in the entrance hall was Professor Mcgonagall, her face grim and posture stiff - stiffer than usual.

"Minerva," Remus said, tipping his head.

"Hello, Remus," Mcgonagall replied softly, and Remus could hear the grief in her voice.

"What has happened, Professor?" Mcgonagall just shook her head.

"Albus will explain everything. He's waiting in his office. Let's go." together the two walked down the halls in silence. Groups of students stopped to watch curiously as the walked past. Remus tried not to stare back. It felt like it was only days ago that the Marauders had been just another group of kids at the school, only worried about grades and pranks. It was as if Hogwarts were a world all its own, untouchable by wars and politics. Remus also tried to ignore the paintings who stared as the walked by. Some whispered among themselves, watching Remus with pitying looks, as if they knew of some terrible fate that awaited him.

He really wished that were an unlikely possibility.

"Pumpkin Pasty," Mcgonagall said as the stopped in front of the eagle statue. It slid aside to reveal its spiraling staircase.

"Thank you, Professor." As Remus looked Mcgonagall in the eyes, they both knew he meant many things by that simple sentence.

"I have to get to class," Mcgonagall said in place of a reply. "Do come find me once your meeting is over. Please." Remus nodded. Mcgonagall walked back down the hall as Remus stepped onto the moving staircase.

"Come in." The Headmaster's Office was a refreshing sight for Remus. Nothing had changed in here since Remus' first visit, back in the summer before his first year at Hogwarts. The place had a feel of being old and new, stuck in the past and ahead in the future. Remus tried to let the familiarity of the room calm him.

"It's good to see you, Remus," Professor Dumbledore said from behind his desk, "Though I do wish it were under better circumstances. Please, sit." Remus' heart hammered in his chest as he sat opposite Dumbledore, trying to stay calm.

"What happened?" came out instead of a greeting. Dumbledore let out a sad sigh as he smiled.

"As you have heard, the war is at its end," Dumbledore began. "We are chasing the stray Death Eaters as we speak. Voldemort is gone. But our victory has come at a great price." Remus bit the inside of his lip.

"But what has happened, sir?" Dumbledore laced his fingers together atop his desk.

"Voldemort found the Potters." Remus let out a choked sound.

"What? But - But the - the - Fidelius -"

"Was cast successfully," Dumbledore agreed. Remus dropped his head into his hands, trying to wrap his head around this information.

"Tell me what happened," He whispered. "Please."

"The Fidelius was cast successfully Friday evening," Dumbledore stated, his voice low. "It seems as soon as it was cast, Mr. Black went to Voldemort." Remus choked back a sob. "Voldemort killed them Saturday night. Mr. Pettigrew bravely went to track down Mr. Black alone, but he was overpowered. Black blew up an entire street, killing Pettigrew as well as eleven muggles." Remus shook his head, barely noticing the tear that escaped. Sirius would not do this. It was not real.

"I need to see him," Remus said softly.

"I am afraid that is impossible." Remus lifted his head to look at the headmaster.

"Why?"

"He's already been sent to Azkaban."

"What?!" Remus said hotly, standing up. "Wh-what about his trial?"

"There wasn't one," Dumbledore replied bitterly. "They decided it wasn't necessary."

"They can't!" Remus exclaimed, beginning to pace. "He needs a trial. They have to ask him. They should find out why. We need to know! We need an explanation. We need to know why! They have to - we - we need -w-we -I have to know why he did this!" The tears came freely as Remus fought to bite back a sob. He was all alone now. Lily - the first person to know his secret, his best friend- was dead. James, his brother in all but blood was dead. Peter was dead. Sirius...

Sirius was the reason they were gone.

There was no reply from Dumbledore, and Remus was left to pace the room, trying to sort through his thoughts. How could Sirius? It did not make any sense to Remus. They had been friends since they were twelve. Sirius had accepted Remus, even after he had found out what Remus was. More than that: all three of them - James, Peter, _Sirius_ , - they had all performed some dangerous and illegal magic, just to help Remus. Sirius was a Black, but he did not care about their views. He was opposed to all their power, all their blood purist ideals. He wanted nothing to do with dark magic and power and being a pureblood. He was not interested in being a Black. He had left home at the age of sixteen to get away from their ideals, and moved in with James. He and James were closer than blood. He would _never_ betray James.

Would he?

Remus thought about every time Sirius stared at him, expression unreadable. He thought about all the times in the past year he had seemed preoccupied. He had been distant. Quiet. Sirius had been acting different for the past year. But had he really changed sides? Been the spy the entire time? But then why had he seemed so worried about Remus? Why was he cross when Remus would not tell him where he was going? Unless Sirius was asking so he could tell Voldemort?

Eventually, Remus dropped back into his chair across from Dumbledore, feeling numb.

"And H- and Harry?" Remus whispered, barely daring to ask.

"Harry is safe," Dumbledore replied warmly, and Remus tried to feel glad before Dumbledore continued. "He's been taken to his aunt and uncle's. They will care for him now." Remus glared. He nearly started shouting at Dumbledore again, but he really did not have the energy.

"That is the last thing Lily would have wanted," He said bitterly. "She would've preferred you entrusted him to Snape than send him there, of all places."

"He will be safe," Dumbledore insisted. "And more importantly, he will have a normal life, away from the fame he's already getting here. The wizarding community has already started calling him The Boy Who Lived. He'll be able to grow up without such a heavy title over his head." Remus shook his head.

"You should find somewhere else. Anywhere else."

"They are his closest relatives."

"I could take him. I could watch over him."

"You know you cannot, Remus. Not with your condition." Remus hung his head. He knew Dumbledore was right. He was in no way suited to take care of a child. Perhaps Harry did not need Remus as much as Remus needed him.

"Maybe you are right," Remus whispered. Harry would not need a grief stricken werewolf around. He needed a normal, safe childhood. He would grow up just fine without Remus. Remus took a deep breath and silently let go of the last piece of the family he had spent a decade fighting to build. Harry would be fine. And Remus...

Well, Remus would figure it out. Remus could be fine alone. It was just him now, and he would figure it out. Being alone was not anything new for him. He had always been the lone wolf, after all, really, hadn't he?

**Author's Note:**

> So, Sorry about how random and sporadic my fic posting is. *_*  
> I am kinda working on a long fic that I might start posting eventually, but for now I'm just gonna keep posting one shots/ short fics as inspiration hits.  
> (Maybe eventually I'll post something that isn't so sad...)


End file.
